Tuesday, 28 April 2009

It's time to talk about dicks...

There are some big dicks in my life. Being as one is attached to me, and is therefore great, I'm going to talk about the others.

Dick number one is the reason I shall never need an alarm clock as long as I live here. To be clear, I live above a shop, and said dick works in said shop. Said dick owns a motorbike. Every morning this phallic appendage travels to work on his bike, he probably has a zippy, nippy, journey untroubled by traffic, his gleaming leathers unsullied by dirt. He arrives at exactly five to nine each day and parks his bike below my window. My bedroom window. The window behind which I am asleep.

Now bikers can be, and often are, very cool guys. You can spot the cool ones. They'll be wearing the battered leathers and be riding bikes that sound manly and deep throated. The cock downstairs is not one of these. His leathers a bright shiny and new. I am sure that he makes the attempt daily to iron creases into the legs of his leathers, so as to look smarter. He follows ironing blogs looking out for the invention of the biker leather iron, and already has the funds saved in his high interest instant access ISA savings account to purchase one. In fact he's probably funding a development program as we speak...

Now a biker in new leathers is often the possessor of a crap bike. I don't know what bike this chap has, he makes sure it's covered up with a little silver blanket to keep it nice. It looks like it's just run the London marathon. I do know it sounds shit. It sounds like a hair dryer being amplified through a megaphone with a cracked horn. Only worse. And louder. I know this because every day he jars me from sleep by revving his motor three times to the redline before turning it off. Vriiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmm Vriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmm VRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMM! (not vroom, that sounds too much like a proper bike....).

What purpose does it serve? Does it make it go faster when he leaves of an evening? Or is it just to say "Hey people I'm HERE! Look at ME! Aren't I just the COOLEST because I have a MOTORBIKE?". Well its obviously the latter.... what he doesn't realize is that people are saying "Oh fuck HE'S here. Again. What a FUCKING COCK! Go buy a REAL BIKE!".

The guy's a massive dick.

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